Champagne wishes and petit four dreams.
February 16th 2014
Wilder is sixteen weeks old.
I have always functioned best on a schedule. I’d like to pretend that I am one of those people who can be spontaneous at the drop of a hat, but the reality is that I’m too much of a control freak. Having a baby has helped to break me painfully from my rigorous scheduling in many ways. Now, though, that we are trying to implement a structured bedtime and routine to accompany it, I feel like my nature has its benefits. Wilder has been falling into a rhythm of sleeping and eating at rather predictable intervals. I am very grateful that he will virtually nap anywhere, but we try to always have him home for bedtime. He has been doing great sleeping in his rock and play and I trust that soon we will be able to transition him to his crib. It truly is amazing how quickly he is growing.
This past Tuesday Wilder turned 108 days old and we had his puja celebration. I hadn’t slept well on Monday night as I was strangely experiencing anxiety over the celebration. I adore throwing parties but I had never done anything of this type before and honestly I was nervous that I might fuck it up. The boys and Cathy had assured me that things would be fine, and they were right. We had a lovely group of over 40 dear friends show up to celebrate. Both Jackie and Keith did an amazing job in leading the chants and it was absolutely joyous to see so many people participate (even if some of them thought it was weird). A dear friend and fellow yogi Nancy Maas was kind enough to photograph the event. Wilder was on his best behavior and he sat in his little seat in the middle of the crowd while we all chanted. He was only fussy for a moment to let us know he was hungry, but after he ate he was happy to be passed around the crowd and cuddled by the guests. The puja presented me a wonderful opportunity to express my gratitude to both Lee Kyle and Andy for all their love and support. I openly and loudly admitted that I had been foolish thinking at the beginning of this adventure that if needed I could do everything on my own. Wilder has helped me to realize the beauty and strength in the community that I have cultivated. He has opened my eyes in many ways and I am often surprised and elated by what is right in front of me.
Photo by Nancy Maas
As lovely as the puja was, I was sad that neither Dori nor Amanda could attend. The 11th also happened to be Amanda’s birthday, but she wasn’t able to make it due to nursing school. After the ceremony ended, Cathy, Lee Kyle, Andy, Wilder and myself went to Mandina’s for lunch. It had been a while since I had eaten at Mandina’s and I was immediately flooded with memories of my father. This was one of his favorite restaurants and we used to eat there every time he visited when he lived in New Mexico. I also had my college graduation dinner party there. Many fine memories in that building. I was happy that we were able to make a new one with our new family. We headed home after lunch and I relaxed on the couch with a very sweet baby while Andy took care of his bar duties. Cody came by and watched some Downton Abbey with me, which ended the day perfectly.
This past Wednesday Wilder had to go in for his (belated) 3 month check-up. Having taken off Tuesday for the puja, I couldn’t accompany Andy to bring him to the pediatrician. He received three shots and according to Andy he was only briefly upset. The doctor said that he was growing well and his heath was good. Our only concern is the shape of his head. Since birth he has had a slightly flattened portion of his right posterior skull. She assured us it was nothing to fret about at this point, but I’m determined to keep an eye on it. Andy called after the appointment and I could hear Wilder crying, which made me teary-eyed as well. I love that little boy so much, more than I actually thought possible.
Andy and I finally found some time alone together and we spent it fucking. It was highly enjoyable, as it always is. I love Andy and he loves me but that doesn’t mean that I don’t worry about the decline of general passion in our relationship. I think in some respects it hasn’t actually changed much, it’s just that now we see much more of each other. When we lived more separately, it was easier to be excited to see one another. Also, before Wilder our responsibilities to each other were much less. As happy as I am to be a family now, there have been some unexpected complications in nearly all my personal relationships. I’m also generally the type of person who gets more sexual satisfaction from clandestine affairs than from long term relationships. I think this is why living apart from Andy was so healthy for our sex life. As much as I thrive on routine in nearly all aspects of my life, I like spontaneity and unpredictability in the bedroom. Call me a slut, it’s just my nature. The good news is that we have an open dialogue about these things, so it isn’t difficult to address my desires.
I made it to yoga class this past Wednesday night and was able to visit with Jackie following the class. It’s so rare that we have time to converse privately with one another that I consider it something special when it happens. We sat in my car for nearly an hour, which was not nearly enough time to truly catch up. I miss Jackie but I’m grateful to know that no matter what is happening in each other’s lives, we are always there for one another.
I have a unique work environment because not only do I work with some of my closest friends (who mostly were my friends before the job) but I also work with my cousin. This means that our conversations at work are almost never work appropriate. This past week I got into a discussion with my cousin concerning some of the unique traditions in our families. I’m not sure how the memory came to me but I was reminded of how my mother was naked a lot in front of us when we were younger. She had the habit (which persisted until she died) of wearing only her underwear while applying her makeup, which she always did either in the living room or at the dining room table. She never really cared who saw her in this state and all of mine and my brother’s friends had seen her breasts at some point. Odd as it may sound, we never really found it to be strange. My cousin’s mother, my aunt, also choose to be half-dressed a lot of the time. I suppose that to them, there wasn’t any shame in nudity. I think this affected me in many ways included my own penchant for being naked in my house. I would assume that 85% of my close friends have seen me half-naked if not entirely. I’m glad that I have the openness about my body, even if it did come in a rather strange way. I wonder how this will affect Wilder’s perception of his own body? Hopefully in a positive way.
At work, we also got caught up talking about the Woody Allen situation which led to a discussion about rape in general. This brought up memories and feelings about my own rape. It’s funny how the anger never really completely dissipates. I think all the yoga and therapy and forgiveness in the world won’t completely diminish my feelings of shame and rage. They are surely lessor than before but always present. I don’t think about that situation very often, but when I do, it’s still hard.
Thursday night I was ready to shake off the heaviness of the discussion of the work day. Cody accompanied me to the Valentine’s Day addition of Big Dicks House of Big Boobs (BDHBB), which is a DIY strip club where ANYone can dance. Lee Kyle and Jennifer Jane were performing together as part of her birthday celebration. Cody had never been to any of the BDHBB parties, so I think it is safe to say that he was pleasantly shocked by what he witnessed. I chatted with Corinne, the mastermind behind the parties, and she said that this might be the last for quite some time. I was saddened by this possibility but know that all good things must eventually come to an end. We had a blast there and then went to Mimi’s for one final drink before heading home. Cody and I were intoxicated, and thankfully Lee Kyle was sober. When Cody and I arrived at my house, we munched on food straight from the fridge then passed out in bed around 3 am.
The 7 am alarm felt pretty harsh the next morning, which was Friday the 14th, Valentine’s Day. I reluctantly roused Cody from sleep and attempted to make us breakfast before we headed into work. I’m pretty sure he was still drunk when we left the house. Apparently we weren’t the only ones to have a rough morning. Crystal had gotten into a small fender bender on her way into work. She was obviously shaken up, but luckily no one had been hurt. Needless to say, it was an unproductive day on the job. That night, despite my hangover, I made dinner for Cathy, Lee Kyle and I. Afterwards we took some adorable Valentine’s Day photos. Andy worked and I was in bed early, resting up for the parade the following night.
Saturday night was Krewe de Vieux! This is one of my favorite parades and probably the only one that I have consistently seen every year for nearly a decade. I was very excited that this would be Wilder’s first parade. Clint’s friend Lauren lives near the R Bar so we were fortunate to have her house as a home base. We put Wilder in his Stokke carrier and he did wonderful. Not only did he make it through the whole parade without crying but he even napped for a bit. There was quite a sweet scene when a brass band serenaded him and he looked on with awe. I couldn’t have been more proud, he is a true New Orleans baby. After the parade, I left Wilder with Lee Kyle, Clint and Cathy and I met some friends at Flanagans where Andy was working. I had a few drinks and flirted a little and then walked over to One Eyed Jacks to see The Walkmen’s (final) show. It was incredible. I was flooded with memories of all the times I listened to their music and the many times I had seen them live in the past. I had a great viewing spot, thanks to the sweet staff of the bar, and I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed a show on the same level as I did this one.
Sunday rolled around with more sex and delicious pizza. I talked with Andy about the prospect of taking on a (few) new lover(s). He laughed and said, “Seems like your vagina is back in business and the line starts behind me.” I thought quite a bit about what it would mean to enter into this situation again, especially in our new living environment. It’s seems equal parts exciting and bothersome. I figure it would be easier if I could immediately present some rough guidelines for new lovers, but that would take some of the mystique out of the whole situation. I decided to ponder it while I ate more pizza. I pondered for longer than I should have.