No use crying over spilt coffee.
January 19th 2014
Wilder is twelve weeks old.
This past week the mornings have been so dark outside upon waking. This has done nothing to help motivate me to face the day. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’ve been depressed, as I’ve actually been feeling really grateful lately, but I have been lacking energy. Perhaps it’s the time of year but I’m ready for it to pass. I want to rise up and greet the day instead of begrudgingly dragging myself from bed mumbling about my sore back. Is this what getting old feels like? Fuck.
I have been feeling inspired lately and I’ve come up with some truly great ideas for plays that I want to start working on. The problem is finding the time to commit to putting the words on the page. Between working a full-time job and wanting to spend as much time with Wilder as possible, I’m left with little time alone to focus on my writing. I also have to be in the mood to write. Sadly, Wilder’s short naps don’t often coincide with my most productive creative times. I’m a scheduler at heart, so I’m hoping to figure out a way to fit in time dedicated to writing a few times a week. That, or start smoking meth again.
Andy played a show at the Circle Bar with My Graveyard Jaw this week. I stayed home with Wilder and watched the season premiere of “Girls” with Lee Kyle and Clint. I think that statement pretty much sums up where I am in my life right now.
I went to City Park twice this week after work while Lee Kyle had Wilder at his studio. I love walking/jogging at the park as it is by far one of the most beautiful places in the city. Sometimes I take it for granted, but this week I stopped to admire the old oak trees and the beautiful Spanish moss. I got caught in a moment of true gratitude for where I am not only physically (in the best city in the world) but how far I’ve come. I will truly cherish being able to bring Wilder to the park when he is a bit older and more exploratory. I think he will share my love for it.
Cody came to the house a few times this week to hang out with Wilder and me. We both marveled at Wilder’s development and his adorableness. There are still times for my closest friends and even for myself when it sinks in that I actually have a baby. I know it sounds weird, but nine months (or eight in my case) really isn’t enough to completely prepare you for the life-changing effects of parenthood. Cody and I laughed and reminisced about how when he initially met me I offhandedly stated that I wanted a baby and was thinking about whose sperm to use. And now, a little over a year later, I have Wilder. Life can change so quickly, which is one of the most terrifying and wonderful things about it.
In regards to my current mental state of fixating on past relationships, I tried to reach out to a friend I had lost contact with a few months before Wilder’s birth. I’ m not sure why she came to mind, but I realized that we hadn’t talked or seen one another in quite some time, so I texted her “I miss you.” Yes, in all fairness, the proper thing to do would have been to call, but at the moment I was dealing with a squeaky son. She didn’t text back, which I assumed would probably happen. No matter how small my gesture was, at least I tried. There have been a few casualties concerning friends in my new position as a mother. While this does make me sad in some ways, I know that we are all in our own places and stations in life. Sometimes we make a connection and those are strong enough to last, but other times the connections fade out, and I’m okay with that. I have been overwhelmed by the amount of support from the majority of my friends and pleasantly surprised with the new acquaintances I have made. I am not one to poor-mouth when it comes to support. I am aware and appreciative of the diverse “family” I have created. That being said, I can only hope that those who are no longer a part of my life are finding their own joy and happiness. There’s certainly enough to go around.
In other news, more and more of my friends are having babies. Of course this excites me, not only for them but for the selfish reason of having more friends for Wilder. He will have a male cousin in Dallas because Jason and his wife Dania are expecting a boy. And he will also have a friend in Los Angeles as Coop and his wife Stephanie are now expecting as well. Lots of local mommies-to-be too. I finally feel like somewhat of a grown up since a good portion of my Facebook and Instagram feed have been taken up with pictures of pregnant bellies and children. As much as I love this, I’m glad that some people are still posting tits and ass, though (thanks Clayton!).
It seems that every time I get paid from my job, I have money for approximately 16 hours after the direct deposit. Then I’m broke again. We (or shall I say, I) have a lot of bills. Between the payment on my student loan and Wilder and I’s health insurance I’m out of nearly $1200 right off the bat. That’s before the mortgage and the car note, electricity or even food. I really wanted to be able to work part-time after Wilder’s birth but by the looks of our finances, that won’t be happening for a long time. As much as I am grateful to be employed, I am a bit jealous that Andy and Lee Kyle get the “fun” hours with Wilder. It is inevitable that I will miss a lot of firsts, while sitting at my fucking desk, reviewing spreadsheets and other boring documentation. As I’m trying to remember why I wanted all these costly things in the first place, I then understand that the price of my rent was more than my mortgage, and my old car had a dangerous factory defect. As my father would say, “Money isn’t everything, but it certainly makes things a whole lot fucking easier.” Here’s hoping I write an amazing novel or win the lottery. I’d say the odds of either happening right now are about the same.
We took Wilder to Flanagan’s on Friday night. This was the first time that I’ve gotten a little drunk since before my pregnancy. Ellen was working and a few of my friends stopped in to have drinks with me (Andy stayed sober, as the designated driver). Dori and her husband were out celebrating his birthday and Cody came by with a few of his girlfriends. Needless to say, I had to have a drink with all of them. So by the end of the evening I was feeling pretty good. It was nice to get out of the house and Wilder really does love the bar. He likes the lights and sounds and attention from the people, just like his mother. Thank goodness Andy had to make the place non-smoking years ago. It allows us to have somewhat of a social life.
On Saturday Andy went to the North shore to make a music video with Michael James. Wilder and I stayed home and watched the last season of Treme. It was cathartic in a way and the perfect accompaniment to my reminiscing of late. I couldn’t help but reflect on how different my life is now from when the storm happened. All in all, it’s actually quite miraculous that I’m here now, that New Orleans has persevered and that many of the people have returned home. I spend so much of my work day dealing with the financial impact of Hurricane Katrina as most of my projects are still focused on this disaster that I rarely think about my own personal experiences. As many flaws as the HBO series may have, I really did enjoy watching my friends play small roles (some of which were true to their actual character). And so much of the show is geared toward locals, that I couldn’t help but feel like I was in on a secret that most people would never be privy to. It was a good way to spend a day relaxing and probably better than watching horror movies with Wilder.
Sunday morning Andy and I took Wilder to City Park so that we could have coffee and beignets at Morning Call. It was a brisk morning but the park was busy and we ran into some of our friends there who also have a young son. When we got back to the car, Andy rested his coffee precariously on the roof and when I opened the hatch, the coffee poured everywhere, resembling a sticky, sweet waterfall (he likes a lot of sugar). Of course a normal person would probably blow this off, but I became enraged. I started saying things that I am now embarrassed of. I caught myself pretty quickly and apologized to Andy and anyone else in earshot for my outbursts. There is so much of my mother’s personality in me, that sometimes it is downright terrifying.
After I recovered from the coffee incident, I ended up having a wonderful day. I joined the ladies of book club at brunch so we could discuss our latest read. Then Lee Kyle took Wilder for the rest of the afternoon so that Andy and I could see the film Her, which we both really enjoyed. We had sushi afterward, and as we were leaving the restaurant I told Andy that I would be glad to get home because I missed Wilder. He laughed, but I could tell he was anxious to see him, too.