This will hurt me more than it hurts you.
January 12th 2014
Wilder is eleven weeks old.
This week started with the celebration of Lee Kyle’s birthday. His original idea was to have an elaborate masked ball at his house, but unfortunately the weather did not permit. His special day happened to fall not only on Twelfth Night but also the coldest day of the season thus far. Because his house lacks heat for the downstairs, we decided to host a small party for him at our place. Birthdays are a big deal to me and I didn’t want him to miss out on a celebration just because the weather had turned nasty. Lee Kyle hates the cold (probably more than Jackie) and it has the potential to ruin his mood. I insisted that we at least have cake, which turned into two varieties. German chocolate and king cake was enjoyed by several of our friends including Jackie and Misty. Jackie brought her harmonium and played a few songs and chanted for the party. Wilder loved it. It immediately soothed him and he actually fell asleep. As much as I like to kid with Jackie over her bhakti spirit, the harmonium must have done something because Wilder slept a full six hours that night! It was a record.
Wilder had his two month(ish) checkup the next day. He has been gaining weight at a good pace and is catching up in his physical development comparably to full term infants. He weighed in at 12 lbs, 8 oz. and 22.5 inches long. We had a good visit with Dr. Capone, who suggested that we begin offering some vegetable baby food to Wilder within the next few weeks. We discussed Wilder’s crying fits that happen from time to time in the evening and he assured us that these fits can be a normal process for some infants as they begin to grow and experience more during the day. We went over the schedule of immunizations and what shots he was going to get that day as well as the suggested shots for the next visit. While I am a believer in vaccinations, I also like to discuss what exactly is being administered to Wilder and why. Dr. Capone said that I should research Prevnar, as it is suggested for the 3 month check-up but he has mixed feelings about its efficiency. That is something that I will dedicate some research time to. Wilder was relaxed on the table when the nurse came in to give him the two immunizations for the visit. It took him a second to register the pain but then he cried out and it broke my heart. I started crying too, and was crying still even after he was soothed (which took less than 5 minutes). Andy found my reaction to be a bit dramatic, but I explained that it was very difficult for me to see Wilder in any pain. I’m sure other mothers out there have had this same reaction.
I have been having a lot of thoughts and dreams relating to my past recently. These memories have been coming to me so often that I called my friend Misty to talk about it. Like most people I have experienced a few relationships that ended badly. I know that a few of these poor endings were at least in some part my fault. It is not a frequent trait of mine to focus on the past. Because I have lived through a great deal of trauma in my family life, I have tried to keep myself in the present (and worry about the future) in order to keep myself from being ruled and defined by my past. It isn’t escapism or denial as much as it is an attempt at letting go of the things I can’t control. I don’t have a time machine and even if I did I’m not sure I would change things, as each tragedy and victory has helped to shape me into the person I am today. That being said, there are times when I cannot deny the uneasiness that accompanies a relationship that ended without closure. In regards to those relationships that involve people who are still alive, I have to ask myself, would seeking those people out be driven by the need to relive myself of some self-perceived guilt or because I really wish to have a relationship of some sort with them again. My answer to that question has always guided my decision as to whether I want to take a real trip down memory lane and make any possible reconnections.
The current mindset of revisiting the past is generally brought on when there is something I am dissatisfied about in the present. I know I am still struggling with body issues (fucking broken record here, right). I am continuing my quest to eat healthier and I generally exercise at least 5 days a week, but that is no longer producing the quick results that were more common before my pregnancy. I am determined to wear something revealing for Mardi Gras. God knows what I would do if I didn’t show off my tits. But in order for that to become a reality, I need to trim down the back fat. Nobody wants to see that shit. I’m all about empowering women of all sizes but a roll of back fat sticking over the top of my corset is not what I want to be remembered for. Call me vain, which I am, but part of getting back into shape is allowing me to reclaim my body. I love Wilder with all my heart, and while pregnancy was (thankfully) relatively easy for me, the hardest part was accepting the physical limitations. I had no idea they would still be affecting me months later.
While Wilder has been growing and literally becoming cuter each day, he has still been prone to his nightly outbursts. Thankfully a few of my “mom” friends have offered kind words of advice, support and humor regarding the situation. A good friend of mine, Melissa, even went so far as to hit up Zukababy for some fussy baby supplies and stop by. It just so happened that she got to my house right as Wilder was in the throes of one of his fits. She morphed into the baby whisperer and had him calm and happy in just minutes. Let it forever be known that I agree it does take a village. Thankfully I have a really rad fucking village (filled with good-looking people to boot.)
I ended the week with a cold and sore throat. I was so nervous about getting Wilder sick that I wore a protective mask when holding him. Thank heavens for Andy. He took care of Wilder nearly all weekend while I became a sleep-loving snot-monster. I try never to take for granted how lucky both Wilder and I are to have Andy and Lee Kyle as family. Feeling sick is the pits, but dealing with an infant while feeling sick is fucking torture. I know I say it a lot but I honestly don’t know what I would do without the help that I get from the boys and from my friends. My cousin hooked me up with some antibiotics after a call into the doctor’s office on Friday relayed that they wouldn’t be able to fit me in until Monday afternoon. I knew I would have had strep throat by then. Luckily the antibiotics started working rather quickly and by the following day I was on the mend.
I spent Sunday cleaning the house. It’s my weekly ritual. We have been allowing Andy’s dogs Delilah and Kara to spend more time in the portion of the house that is “mine” as opposed to always hanging out in Andy’s apartment. This being said the floor requires more cleaning than before. I was getting a little spoiled only dealing with Harlow, who makes really no mess at all and has little hair. Now I’m back to vacuuming and mopping quite frequently. I don’t mind, though. It’s a small price to pay for the happiness of the animals. Kara, whom we have been actively looking to find a more suitable home for, has become quite smitten with Wilder. He seems to like her, too. Sometimes I think I’ve become completely whacko : 2 baby- daddies, 1 baby, 3 dogs, full-time job….then I remember I’ve always been.