Change is in the air.
October 2nd, 2013
32 weeks pregnant.
I’m sure I’ve said this before, but I truly feel like my belly is growing exponentially every week. It is becoming harder and harder to do things that were once very simple to do, like roll over at night. I understand that this is a standard part of pregnancy, but as my body continues to morph shapes, I have a hard time believing any of the stories told on “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.” I mean really, what the fuck? There are days I would give just about anything to not feel completely, utterly encompassed by my pregnancy. I can only assume my ventripotent stature will continue to expand in the final weeks. I’m going to need a footman to assist me soon.
I had lunch with Dori and her adorable baby Paul last Wednesday. She gives me hope that my life will return to some state of normalcy after Wilder is born. Physically, she is setting the bar pretty high, though. Paul is nearing two months old and Dori looks as if she never had a baby. I think she may actually be in better shape now than she was before she conceived her son. She has been doing CrossFit regularly and the results are very apparent. I know there is a lot of controversy over CrossFit and while I’m not sure it is something I will pursue post-baby, she really seems to enjoy it. Paul continues to be a happy infant. He doesn’t seem to be very fussy and Dori has adjusted well to life with a little one. She is returning to work at the end of this month, and while I know she will miss being home with her son, I think she will enjoy having more adult interaction. I can only hope that I am able to bounce back as quickly after my delivery.
In keeping up with the goal of trying to spend time with a variety of my friends before Wilder’s arrival and the time limitations that will accompany it, I had coffee with a friend and ex-lover on Thursday after work. We hadn’t caught up with one another in over a year, so we had a lot to talk about. He is currently attempting to gracefully exit his relationship, as things are not working out very well for either of them. He seemed to be doing really well otherwise. He was happy for me in my pregnancy, as he was still under the impression that Andy didn’t want children. We had a really nice time together. When we hugged each other goodbye, it was very authentic. He and I had a lot of fun together back in the day and while he is still a good-looking guy, it was nice not to be flooded with the feeling that my pregnancy was causing me to miss out on the carousing of my past days. I’m not saying I wouldn’t mess around with him again, just that it isn’t a priority and I can be comfortable in a friendship that doesn’t revolve around sex.
Andy and I have been trying to engage in more types of “innercise,” so we have been attending Dharma class once a week at Swan River. This involves an open discussion with other group members about Eastern philosophy. I have found it to be really interesting, mostly just listening to Andy speak about his own opinions and perspectives of certain issues. Andy is a very dynamic person. Most people wouldn’t know that he has a hearty knowledge when it comes to spiritual philosophy. I love when I am able to witness him interact with others who may have underestimated his repertoire. This past week we discussed the idea of protecting the mind and treating it with the care one would an open wound (I’m simplifying here). I thought a lot about this and actually found a useful application of the suggestion. I have really been wanting to see the film Prisoners because I think it looks fantastic. But I also know that right now I am in a precarious emotional state. Also because the film is about child abduction, I know that I would probably have an even stronger reaction to it. Even though I had a few opportunities to go see it this past week, I resisted. The third to final episode of Breaking Bad nearly sent me into a fit, so I am now trying to be a bit more aware of the things that I mentally ingest. While I was quite proud of myself for choosing to delay the viewing of Prisoners, I have by no means perfected the mind/wound thing. I spent Friday night watching episodes of “American Horror Story” until I fell asleep, which led to a pretty unhealthy night of rest. One victory at a time.
I had yet another one of my emotional outbursts on Saturday night. I got very grouchy and upset over seemingly nothing and then actually found myself nearly crying. It is moments such as these when I feel out of control concerning my reaction to things. Let me say that I don’t enjoy being grouchy or bitchy in the least. I have never been the type of person who enjoys being mean or rude to others, even if I have what I feel is an excuse for my behavior. I much prefer things to go smoothly in all my relationships. I don’t like the drama. Because of these personal characteristics, it makes things particularly hard for me when I find myself feeling really annoyed and act out for seemingly meaningless reasons. Thankfully Andy has the patience of Job and puts up with my crap. I owe him like a bazillion blow jobs.
Andy accompanied me to the New Orleans Athletic Club on Sunday so that he could snap a few pictures of me doing some yoga poses. I had arrived earlier than him and spent the previous hour warming up my muscles in hopes of making things easier. I thought I would just pop into a few positions and things would go quickly. I was able to get into the backbends with little problem, but when it came to the inversions I was struggling. In my attempts and execution of both forearm stand and handstand, I kept losing my breath. Every time I would get into a pose it would only be a few seconds before I felt like I was struggling to breath. My inability to hold the poses for as long as I used to be able to made taking the photos a challenge for Andy. I found myself feeling very frustrated and sad that I was unable to physically complete the poses in the same manner as I had in the past. Andy kept reminding me “You’re over seven months pregnant.” But it didn’t make me feel much better in the moment. It is interesting to me just how hard of a time I am having dealing with the physical limitations of my pregnancy. I know there is a lot to be learned from these experiences if I can just stop being so frustrated by them.
And now for the good stuff. The most spectacular, amazing thing happened this week. On Tuesday October 2nd, Herman Wallace was released from prison where he had spent over 41 years in solitary confinement. US district Judge Brian Jackson had ordered Herman released from Angola after granting him a new trial. Jackson ruled women were unconstitutionally excluded from the grand jury that indicted Wallace in 1972. Jackie has worked tirelessly for over ten years to help free Herman from the tortures of solitary confinement. While he is very ill with liver cancer, it is a true miracle that he is able to spend his final days as a free man. I was in disbelief when Jackie called to tell me he was being transported via ambulance to LSU hospital here in New Orleans. Andy and I had been at dinner with friends, but we hustled home to grab the camera when Jackie asked if we would attend his arrival and take some photos. It was nothing short of an amazing event to be there when Herman arrived. A crowd of supporters had gathered with signs and flowers to welcome him. I am so proud of the efforts of Jackie and the many others who have worked so hard to see that Herman was granted the justice he deserves. Listening to people chant “Ain’t no power like the power of the people, cause the power of the people won’t stop,” it was impossible not to caught in the emotion of the moment. Andy and I felt so lucky to have the opportunity to witness the triumph that Jackie had spent over the past decade trying to make happen.
When I got home after leaving the hospital, I immediately uploaded the photos I had taken so that Jackie could access them. Andy and I spent a bit of time discussing the evening’s events and speaking of Jackie’s fortitude and perseverance. She is truly an amazing individual. I posted a few photos to Facebook and made the mistake of being sucked into my news feed. I try to avoid going on FB while at home. I spend so much of my life in front of a computer that in the evenings and on the weekend I try to limit my computer use to writing only. That being said, sometimes my willpower is weakened. I was disgusted to see that the entire unfounded “blackface” debacle concerning Lee Kyle had taken on a nasty internet life of its own. There were countless posts from people pointing fingers and making ridiculous comments all concerning a performance THAT NEVER HAPPENED. One person even went so far as to make a list of performers and venues that he claimed “supported blackface.” The entire thing was such a preposterous waste of energy and yet I found myself being sucked into the drama. After reading numerous posts and comments I finally had to shut off my computer. It saddened me deeply to think that while many were out celebrating and supporting the release of a black man wrongfully convicted and sentenced to serve over four fucking decades in solitary confinement, others were busy spreading hateful and malicious comments and opinions on the internet about “racism” and “oppression.” Here’s an idea, stop typing shit on FB and actually do something. Stop worrying about a performance that was neither intended to be racist or oppressive, and that clearly never happened, and become involved in a true fright against injustice. There is no lack of them in New Orleans today.