It’s a trap.
June 12th 2013
16 weeks pregnant
While I have been very relieved to have my motivation and energy returning, my emotions are a completely different beast. I would have to say that rageful anger is my personal preference, being my top choice of the emotional spectrum. I had a therapist who once told me that anger would always be my go-to emotion anytime I felt negative (sad, overwhelmed, self-conscious, confused, etc.) and so far this has proven to be true. For years I wore my anger like a badge of honor, proud that I wasn’t afraid to be “myself,” but upon further reflection I realized that the reason I was unhappy most of the time was that because I didn’t really like “myself.” I am inclined to believe that my return to the habits of rage fits is less because I am suffering from self-hatred and more because I am seething with hormones. The only times that I find myself feeling particularly angry are at work. This could be because we are nearing our deadline and tensions are high or because I work with many privileged, lazy teammates who have to be constantly micro-managed or absolutely nothing gets done. I don’t enjoy having to repetitively direct and motivate others, and I am surely not getting paid to do so. I am counting down the days, but in the meantime have returned to a regular yoga practice to help qualm my negative emotional outbursts. I have been teaching for years, and before pregnancy would practice at least three times a week. But due to sickness and fatigue during my first trimester, I fell out of the habit. It has been really nice to return to the mat, and while I definitely find it more physically challenging, it has done wonders for my emotions. People often asked me what brought me to yoga in the first place and I answer “anger management.” It is apparently the reason I have returned as well. I thought I felt the earliest flutters of the baby moving in my stomach this week, and that is a wonderful reminder that sometimes I just need to chill the fuck out.
Andy played a show at Stix’s house this past week and it was quite the gathering of people. Several of our friends showed up to hang out including Ellen and her whole family. It is always nice to see her and Joel out with the kids because it reminds me that you can have children and a social life. Stix’s house is awesome and his girlfriend has done many of the renovations on the property. It was inspiring for me on the cusp of home ownership to imagine that once I own a house I can do whatever the fuck I want to it. I had a good time listening to the music and hanging out but at some point in the evening I began to feel really self-conscious. Perhaps it was the lack of alcohol that I would generally be consuming or the fact that my body is rapidly changing to different dimensions. Whatever the cause, I had to leave a bit earlier than I typically would have.
My dear friend Lindsay returned from her long tenure in Vietnam, where she was teaching. It was awesome to see her and catch up since I wasn’t even pregnant before she left. We had a nice dinner where we took turns talking about all the shit that has happened over the last nearly 12 months. I am so fortunate to have such diverse and interesting friends who inspire me in several ways. Lindsay is also a writer, and she along with Amanda helped me immensely with my first play “The Shotgun,” which premiered at the 2012 Fringe Fest. She asked me if I was participating in Fringe this year, but because it is occurring the week the baby is due, I sadly don’t think I’ll be able to. Nevertheless it is helpful to me to have people who encourage me, even if I’m not feeling all that productive. It is bittersweet that Lindsay will be spending her summer in New York and perhaps staying there through the year, but I know we will keep in touch.
In order to keep myself on my creative toes I applied to be a writer for Skin Horse’s 24 program which occurs once a year. It began with 7 writers, 7 directors and 35+ actors which were chosen from email submissions. I was luckily picked to be a writer, which I had asked to be last year but was not chosen. I met with the other participants at Allways Lounge on Friday night at 8:00 pm where we collectively decided on a theme. The theme this year was “It’s a trap.” We writers then stayed behind and drew a number out of a cup which represented the number of characters we would be writing for. We were out of there around 9:30 pm and had until 5:00 am to write a one act play. We then met with our randomly chosen directors at 8:00 am Saturday morning to review the script. The directors then randomly chose actors and had all day to work with them. The plays premiered Saturday night at 8:00pm (hence the name “24”). I was a bit nervous about being able to stay up all night writing. I tested my skill by writing an entire one act play on Thursday, which took me approximately 3 hours to complete. This boosted my self-confidence, but I will say I was somewhat defeated when the theme was chosen. I racked my brain on the short walk home and 20 minutes into thinking about it, I had a plot. Amanda came over for support and offered to help with the writing, but I honestly do my best writing alone, so she watched TV with the dogs and napped over the three hours it took to write the play. She edited it when I was finished and then we read it aloud to one another, laughing hysterically and hoping that it was because the content was actually funny and not that we were just delirious. I sent the final draft over before 3:00 am and got a few hours of sleep. My director was super sweet and very lucky as she pulled three amazing actors from the cup. I was really excited to see my play because although I had written it, I had no idea what the director/actors would do with it. It turned out to be hysterical. I literally almost peed my pants watching them bring my play to life. It was immensely gratifying but even more so when both the director and the actors thanked me for writing something they had so much fun working with. It’s nice to know I’ve still got it. Hopefully someday soon I’ll figure out a way to post my plays online, so if you are interested you can read them.