Every little thing she does is magic.

by slutsunlimited

March 13th, 2013

I think I’m pregnant. I know that sounds like ‘crazy woman talk’ but it’s true. I have a lot of the symptoms, which also are indicative of PMS. I’m trying to be realistic here, and I do think something in my body has changed. I’d like to say it is because I am a yoga teacher and therefore so much more attune to my body’s functions than the normal woman, but I don’t entirely believe that. I do believe in manifestation (don’t worry there won’t be a link provided to purchase “The Secret”) so maybe I can manifest this being into my womb.

A few of the things that have happened this week that have led me to believe I may in fact be with blastocyst are:

1. I’ve cried a lot more this week on my way to work. Ok, I’ll admit it, crying on my way to work is something that isn’t completely uncommon for me, but generally I am crying because a part of my soul is dying as I cross the Crescent City Connection to the West bank. This week, I have cried for totally different reasons. Have you heard the Feeding America radio commercial featuring 50 Cent? Well, if you have and you haven’t teared up, you are a heartless bastard. Unfortunately the radio station that ironically plays upbeat music in the morning always plays a version of this ad. It invokes a complete powerlessness in me, just like that fucking Sarah McLachlan television spot with the abused animals, and even though I know it’s going to emotionally destroy me  I can’t change the channel. So there I am sitting at a busy intersection weeping like a jilted lover. Snot is running down my face, my morning makeup is now resting on the front of my work shirt and the man in the car next to me looks horrified. Women NEVER look pretty when they are really crying. That is a fact. I am hopeful that this sudden intense emotional reaction to 50 Cent is an indicator of a potential baby and not an aversion to “Get Rich or Die Trying.”


2. I gained 4.5 pound overnight. The culprit to this mysterious weight gain could in fact be the sodium and MSG filled vegetable Lo Mein that I devoured for lunch the day before, but I choose to believe that it is water weight related to bloating that occurs in early pregnancy. I did lose 3.5 of those pounds by the following morning, which I was happy about. There will be plenty of time in the future to pack on the pounds (not like I need too).

3. My breasts hurt, a lot. My right breast has hurt for as long as I can remember and has been the cause of many medical tests. I’ve had numerous ultrasounds and mammograms and finally went for an MRI last November after my doctor mentioned the “C” word. They determined that I have fibrocystic breast disease which is in no way life threatening, but does mean that your breast(s) are typically more tender than most.  Now my left breast feels like it’s competing with my right. They are so sore that I’ve resorted to wearing a sports bra most days (which I’m sure you can imagine is super sexy). I am hopeful that this is related to pregnancy and not a new symptom of my period. It’s bad enough that one breast is pretty much a no-man’s land, but if both continue to feel this way, second base will be off limits even when a home run is attained. And sex without nipple play makes everyone sad.


4. Smells are intense and generally disgusting. I had to attend a meeting at work which consisted of 8 of us in a conference room. Apparently someone forgot to wear deodorant, even though it is March in Louisiana. The smell was so intense that I had to excuse myself three times during the hour we were trapped. I felt extremely nauseous, and quickly developed a headache that lasted several hours into the evening. Now, I’ve always had a very keen sense of smell, but my reaction to body odor has never been so severe. I’m a yoga teacher, I’ve smelt some foul odors. This was almost too much, and had the meeting not ended when it did, I would have come up with a reason to be dismissed.

5. I’m feeling a bit more lethargic than usual. When I get home from work, it has become increasingly harder for me to motivate myself to do the things I normally do (housework, yoga, going to the gym.) Also I find myself fondling the snooze button more than usual. It is getting warmer out, so this may have something to do with it, but either way, nap time has become a much needed respite.


Now all the above symptoms could either mean  that I am going to start my period in two days, as is scheduled, or perhaps my body is changing in preparation for a wee little baby. Andy and a few of my other close friends who know about the insemination have all said that it would be pretty extraordinary if the process worked on the first try. Those who know me, know that I typically go for extraordinary, so here’s hoping that the odds are in my favor. Although it does seem unlikely that fertilization and implantation and all the other “magic”  that has to happen to produce a viable fetus would happen after just one session, I would not be all that surprised. I really want this and desire is one of the most important factors in making shit happen.