I will only resent you forever. Please pass the salt.
February 20th, 2013
When you have to invite people over for dinner to discuss serious matters, I highly suggest serving something delicious. That way, if the whole thing is a bust, at least the meal can be a consolation.
I had wanted to have Lee Kyle and Clint over for quite some time, ever since I had sweetly asked Lee Kyle to fertilize my aging eggs over a delicious brunch in the Marigny. I’m 33 and he’s 40 and we both want children. Three hours discussing parenting styles and potential outcomes and we shook on it. We were going to attempt to make a baby! But not just any baby, an amazing organically nurtured, non-gendered toy-possessing tot. Lee Kyle is kind and intelligent, an avid reader and an exceptional artist and performer. He’s also tall, thin and gorgeous. I like to believe that these qualities combined with my own will help to create a pretty rad kid. Sounds perfect, doesn’t it? Just one catch, neither of our partners ever wanted children.
I’m not a lesbian. Which is what the internet assumed when I started researching artificial insemination. I am sort of a slut at times, although my heart belongs to only one. Andy is my amazing boyfriend, whom I’ve had the pleasure of sharing nearly a decade with in some form or fashion. I think we are quite the pair, and our relationship has been through some heavy shit but we’ve come out together. The only thing is he doesn’t want children. Andy has known this for quite some time and he even made the decision to have a vasectomy in 2011 to assure I wouldn’t get knocked up. I was supportive of his choice, but I also made it clear that if I wanted a baby, I would find a way to have one. I think he envisioned a slutty accident, leaving another man responsible for impending fatherhood, but I’m so much classier than that.
Flash forward to Tuesday the 19th of February. I had asked Andy if he, Lee Kyle, Clint and I could have dinner at my house to discuss the potential of Lee Kyle and I having a baby. Andy had known that I considered Lee Kyle a potential donor from the moment I got to know him, and he was aware of our initial meeting and the outcome, but I think he half-heartedly thought I might drop this quest, like my desire to become a notary. Andy agreed that he would make time to join us for dinner at my house and even prepared the meal.
Andy prepared a delicious vegan dish for him and me as well as a hearty Italian sausage for Lee Kyle and Clint. Clint arrived first and very shyly reminded us that he is a vegetarian. This resulted in a lot of sausage for Lee Kyle to consume, but no harm done. The three of us chit-chatted until Lee Kyle arrived, basically ignoring the whole baby issue. As soon as Lee Kyle sat down though, he immediately jumped into our potential parenthood.
After speaking with several of my friends that have children, I found that one of the biggest complaints is that as parents, they lack time to themselves. The fear of never having another afternoon free to lounge by the pool at the clothes-optional country club, or only seeing movies after they reach “on-demand” was almost enough to deter my dreams of procreation. Having a parenting team seemed to me a great alternative. I thought, what if I can find another couple who are similar to me in parenting styles, and also have skills and talents to offer which I don’t possess to share a child with. This would mean our child would have a diverse wealth of knowledge and parental support, and I would be guaranteed the occasional drinking binge without guilt.
Andy and Clint had some serious reservations. While Clint was more modest about his concerns, Andy was very vocal. “I guess what I’m saying is, I’ll support you in whatever you decide, but I probably will end up with some resentment toward you and potentially the baby.” I took their thoughts and feelings to heart and tried very hard to practice compassion, although at times I wanted to dump my plate of vegetable stir-fry over Andy’s head. Clint was concerned with how much a new baby would upset him & Lee Kyle’s finances as well as their home life. While both he and Andy had some very valid fears, Lee Kyle & I couldn’t help but relish in our excitement. Lee Kyle seemed to put more faith in both their agreement to support our decision and less concern over their protests. I tried not to feel hurt that my partner was so easily voicing his distaste for my desire.
The evening ended as well as it could under the circumstances. We all said our respective good nights and Lee Kyle & Clint left with a Tupperware full of meat, that only one person would enjoy (foreshadowing?). I didn’t talk to Andy about the baby after they left. I knew I would probably say something that I would regret. Instead I walked him out and cuddled with my dogs and began formulating an email in my mind that I would send him then next day. I knew that I really wanted to try to have a baby and that if he couldn’t support me, perhaps we would have to change our relationship to one less attached.